When I wrote about letting go and giving up last Friday, I was hoping that this week would be somewhat different, perhaps calmer or quieter. In fact, it was anything but. Many of the lessons from last week continued throughout this one, progressively increasing in both numbers and intensity. It wasn’t until Thursday that I realised what a blessing in disguise this was and fully expressed my gratitude for it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have distressing/depressive/oppressive moments but at the same time I fully understand that the best lessons are the ones that push me out of my comfort zones and prod me to face the facts about myself and about my life in general.
I think the biggest lesson that covers everything else like an umbrella is the distinction between letting go and giving up. For every situation this week that distressed me, my first reaction was to give up usually inside a flurry of furious emotions disguising it like a let go attitude. I had to stop and examine the thoughts underneath only to find one common element: resentment. Eventually the game became a hunt for resentment and finally I realised that regardless of whether I’d continue allowing the situations that oppressed me or not, first I had to let go of the resentment that was pulling from underneath and to the surface all the rest of the negative feelings. I also had to admit that my resentment and negativity covered fear and most of the time my inability to accept that the breaching of my various comfort zones is a positive development that allows me to grow internally.
The hunt for resentment continues unabated but I have to say that it gets easier while on the side squashing mercilessly the toxic shame that rises from such sentiments. And together with gratitude allow me to indulge in saying how satisfying it is to squash toxic shame, my life’s tormentor for countless years.
I am also grateful for the practical realisation that I cannot improve my life and work for my dreams while boiling in a sea of resentment, constantly looking back and trying to make sure I am not in the wrong, while seething about the people I perceive as unfair, inflexible, or even downright malicious. I say practical because I knew that in theory but for the first time this week, I actually witnessed the big difference between talking about the path and walking the path.
And of course, even though it makes it easier to accept people as they are, following a live-and-let-live attitude, it also highlights that I am not taking care of myself as well as I could if I am constantly swimming in situations that cause those intense feelings and have such effect in my life and mental health. Letting go of my misconceptions and my misguided perceptions means that I can make informed decisions about how I’m going to achieve my life’s goals, including my career as a writer. And I so love the feeling of freedom that comes from the lack of resentment. It feels as if thick fog lifts and clears and I can now look at things that before were intangible and difficult to perceive.
This week’s quote sits brilliantly with everything that has been happening and I think describes in a perfect way the let-go and never-give-up cycle:
Gratitude also for music that has helped during dark and restless moments this week. Magical, fluid, and home for me: Water from Heaven Earth by 8Dawn & Troels Folmann:
Thank you so much for visiting and reading my words. I hope you have an illuminating and beautiful weekend and week ahead.
This post is part of the Celebrate the Small Things blog hop hosted by Lexa Cain. Thank you so much for reading. What are you celebrating this week? Let me know by leaving your thoughts in the comments section below.