The Hunt for Resentment Gratitude

The Hunt for Resentment Gratitude

In Gratitude by Aura Eadon11 Comments

When I wrote about letting go and giving up last Friday, I was hoping that this week would be somewhat different, perhaps calmer or quieter. In fact, it was anything but. Many of the lessons from last week continued throughout this one, progressively increasing in both numbers and intensity. It wasn’t until Thursday that I realised what a blessing in disguise this was and fully expressed my gratitude for it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have distressing/depressive/oppressive moments but at the same time I fully understand that the best lessons are the ones that push me out of my comfort zones and prod me to face the facts about myself and about my life in general.

I think the biggest lesson that covers everything else like an umbrella is the distinction between letting go and giving up. For every situation this week that distressed me, my first reaction was to give up usually inside a flurry of furious emotions disguising it like a let go attitude. I had to stop and examine the thoughts underneath only to find one common element: resentment. Eventually the game became a hunt for resentment and finally I realised that regardless of whether I’d continue allowing the situations that oppressed me or not, first I had to let go of the resentment that was pulling from underneath and to the surface all the rest of the negative feelings. I also had to admit that my resentment and negativity covered fear and most of the time my inability to accept that the breaching of my various comfort zones is a positive development that allows me to grow internally.

Celebrate the Small Things Blog HopThe hunt for resentment continues unabated but I have to say that it gets easier while on the side squashing mercilessly the toxic shame that rises from such sentiments. And together with gratitude allow me to indulge in saying how satisfying it is to squash toxic shame, my life’s tormentor for countless years.

I am also grateful for the practical realisation that I cannot improve my life and work for my dreams while boiling in a sea of resentment, constantly looking back and trying to make sure I am not in the wrong, while seething about the people I perceive as unfair, inflexible, or even downright malicious. I say practical because I knew that in theory but for the first time this week, I actually witnessed the big difference between talking about the path and walking the path.

And of course, even though it makes it easier to accept people as they are, following a live-and-let-live attitude, it also highlights that I am not taking care of myself as well as I could if I am constantly swimming in situations that cause those intense feelings and have such effect in my life and mental health. Letting go of my misconceptions and my misguided perceptions means that I can make informed decisions about how I’m going to achieve my life’s goals, including my career as a writer. And I so love the feeling of freedom that comes from the lack of resentment. It feels as if thick fog lifts and clears and I can now look at things that before were intangible and difficult to perceive.

This week’s quote sits brilliantly with everything that has been happening and I think describes in a perfect way the let-go and never-give-up cycle:

Turn your demons into art, your shadow into a friend, your fear into fuel, your failures into teachers, your weaknesses into reasons to keep fighting. Don’t waste your pain. Recycle your heart.Andréa Balt

 

The Hunt for Resentment Gratitude

Gratitude also for music that has helped during dark and restless moments this week. Magical, fluid, and home for me: Water from Heaven Earth by 8Dawn & Troels Folmann:

Thank you so much for visiting and reading my words. I hope you have an illuminating and beautiful weekend and week ahead.

This post is part of the Celebrate the Small Things blog hop hosted by Lexa Cain. Thank you so much for reading. What are you celebrating this week? Let me know by leaving your thoughts in the comments section below.

 

Comments

  1. Resentment is something I’ve been struggling with for a long time. What I’ve found is that it’s not always easy to figure out what you need to do to get rid of it, but allowing it to sit there weighing you down isn’t ideal either. If we don’t do something about it we can still be feeling the same set of resentments years later. It can influence the way we perceive other people, even if they had nothing to do with what originally created them. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be completely free of it, but I can imagine the feeling of freedom and hope. I love the quote. I believe that even pain can positively shape us into who we are. We can learn from our past and turn it into something good.

    I really like your taste in music.

    1. Author

      Thank you so much, I really appreciate you visiting and commenting. I am plagued by resentment that is decades old. Pent up anger and bitterness, are poison to creativity and the wish to live true to who we are inside. The worst part is that resentment creates anger and when anger goes away, it leaves behind toxic shame, which tends to create even more resentment. For me the vicious circle started breaking when fought back the toxic shame and then focused on the inner patterns of resentment. The tell tale sign for me is when I see or interact with someone and I instantly dislike them, hate them, or judge them. Putting aside the superiority (or is it inferiority?) complex, the question I tend to ask is: what do I do exactly the same as that person? Originally that caused even more toxic shame and anger but eventually once I’ve learnt how to squash the toxic shame things became easier because instead of feeling guilty I simply used the experience as lesson to move ahead. It’s a slow process but with time it becomes easier. It requires total vigilance but even slipping is ok now. Thank you so much for linking my posts and for leaving your thoughts.

  2. Pingback: The Power Of Quitting | My Inner Geek

  3. hi sweetie – sounds like you learned quite a bit this week – I am proud of you. I love the quote you chose, very fitting and beautiful. Blessings, and have a wonderful weekend!

    1. Author

      Thank you so much Claudia, I am also proud of myself. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Much love, have a beautiful week.

  4. “…my first reaction was to give up usually inside a flurry of furious emotions disguising it like a let go attitude.” This sounds totally like me. I should take some lessons from you on how to handle all the resentment inside and truly “let it go.”

    1. Author

      Lessons eh? Now let’s see my rate is… Lol, no lessons from this girl, I am not a teacher. I just tell stories. Sometimes things that happened (to me), sometimes stories I imagined (to others, usually in the form of novels to be). I am happy you liked my words and as always I am grateful for reading and for commenting. Thanks ever so much, may you have a beautiful, fluid, and trouble free week ahead.

  5. What a deep and thoughtful week you have had. And it’s not always such an easy thing to dig deep and discover those things that seem to be hidden, the root causes for why we feel or act a certain way. But, that deep journey down often leads to a break in the light and the hope that we on hold to. I am so impressed by your self-awareness, and I will continue to send you good vibes as you journey on. I’m celebrating with you today! xoxo

    1. Author

      Thanks Liz, good positive vibes are the essence of life so it’s a precious gift I am so grateful to receive. Thank you so very much. Hope you have a beautiful weekend and week ahead.

  6. As always your words are beautifully spoken, Aura. Understanding what holds us back on our journey is one of the hardest things we have to overcome.
    That quote is perfection and speaks many truths 🙂

    (like button not loading for me today…)

    1. Author

      Thanks Beverley, so much for reading and for commenting. Yes on going lesson for me to be honest but I am finally at peace with that. I think once I stopped fighting it it became a lot easier. Have a lovely weekend and week ahead.

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