November is almost gone and it went too fast like the rest of the year. It feels as if it zoomed past me and I hardly had time to make notes before it went away leading fast to Christmas and the end of the year. Much like the months before, November has been a conglomeration of seemingly random moods. But that’s an illusion. It’s been anything but random. I dare say this month has been the culmination of the intentions gathered throughout the year. It has been the most difficult month and at the same time the most amazing. Since I missed all Friday gratitude posts this month, my gratitude also extends to all the weeks before this one.
This is the first year I attempted to take part on the NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) event. The goal is to write 50,000 words in a novel within the duration of the month. I am happy to say that I managed to successfully finish the challenge a week early and the effort to finish the novel continues unabated. I’ll have another post specific to my NaNoWriMo experience within the next few days. I am slowly but surely now working towards a writing career where my writing will support and sustain me financially and I will get to do what I love the most: write stories.
November has been a month of intense lows. This was the first time I had to take time off work because of intense stress and depression and after careful consideration I decided to resign from my high stress-level career that had nothing to do with writing. I am now going through the notice period while figuring out my next steps in terms of work. I am grateful I had the courage to do what needed to be done and my decision does not feel wrong in any way, something that makes me so very happy.
I am grateful for some amazing people who I am honoured to call my friends. They are incredibly open minded, accepting, and non-judgemental, although that doesn’t surprise me really. I am sad though because me leaving my job also means I’ll leave them behind. Luckily, internet is brilliant for keeping in touch so perhaps keeping up with them won’t be too difficult.
I’m grateful I had the courage to leave a writer group, whose leader – a woman I used to look up to – at some point went through a tirade of homophobic and transphobic statements. As an LGBTQIA+ writer and person, it made me uncomfortable and sad. For a moment, I considered that perhaps I should fight it, raising the issue; then I realised that there are battles worth fighting and that battle wasn’t one of them. I left without drama, without fuss, and with extended gratitude for them all. They are not the correct people for me and I’m definitely the wrong writer for them. It feels like I made the correct decision because I have peace in my heart instead of resentment and doubts.
This month has been one of deep introspection. I’ve examined myself, my values, my integrity, the way I treat myself, and have learnt a lot about toxic people and psychopathy. Even though learning is always amazing, learning about how psychopaths and toxic people operate is a darkening experience and it’s even worse when one discovers such people in their own life and environment. It’s a loss of innocence but in the process, I’ve gained something valuable: I’ve examined and embraced who I truly am inside unconditionally, letting go of lies and cutting ties with all the toxic people. I’m still healing but that was on going and will be happening for a very long time, perhaps even for the rest of my life.
This month has been about discovery and letting go in various forms. The following quote has always been in my heart because I knew there would come a time it would apply to my specific life conditions. I’ve always had faith that I would be able to apply all three parts and that did happen this month.
It’s always darkest before dawn and I had to remind myself so many times this month. Sometimes, not giving up is remembering such things and other times it’s listening to beautiful music about such things: City of the Fallen – Darkest Before the Dawn:
This post is part of the Celebrate the Small Things blog hop hosted by Lexa Cain. Thank you so much for reading. What are you celebrating this week? Let me know by leaving your thoughts in the comments section below.